Co-dependency is a term that has puzzled some, explained much to others, and has been a multiple-generational cycle for many families. Some clinicians do not like utilizing the term “co-dependent” due to misuse and misunderstanding of the term “co-dependent”. Although this article is not a substitute for an assessment from a mental health professional, I hope that the information provided will help clarify what co-dependency is and is not, as well as provide some resources that may be helpful.  

What is Co-dependency?

Co-dependency is not a simple definition. Co-dependency can be defined as unhealthy behaviors that are learned, but it is much more than that. Often, the individual who has co-dependency issues exhibits behaviors to reduce their own anxiety by performing tasks, stating statements, and/or avoiding situations to prevent an unwanted response in others. Fear is a driving emotion linked to assumed outcomes from others.  

What are some traits of co-dependency?

Traits may vary from individual to individual and become intensified by different situations. Individuals with co-dependent issues will define themselves based on others’ opinions. Their positive feelings about themselves are based on receiving praise from others.  They take things personally even when it is not their issue. Problems of other people become their own out of a need to gain self-esteem through successfully resolving those problems. Interests and hobbies of others become more important than their interests. They fear rejection and making mistakes. “NO” is not often part of their vocabulary. People pleasing is extremely important, for oftentimes individuals who are co-dependent feel responsible for other people’s behaviors and emotions. Because fear is in the background, denial and avoidance of problems are often part of their behaviors. Obsessive about others, people with co-dependency issues will try to control situations and people. Individuals may display manipulation, helplessness, and guilt in attempts to control uncontrollable circumstances. Ironically, co-dependent individuals feel controlled by others. They will say what they think others will want to hear, not necessarily what they truly believe, want, or need. Abandonment from others is an intense fear. Often, people who have co-dependent traits are sad, angry, and confused  as to why others do not care for them the way they care for others. Co-dependent individuals may put their own values aside to meet the perceived needs of others. Others, NOT themselves determine their feelings, behaviors, and future goals. Definitions of healthy love and boundaries are often unknown. Trust is an issue in most relationships. Happiness and fun are difficult for these individuals to define. 

How does someone become co-dependent?

Co-dependency is learned. There are several ways people become codependent. People who grew up in dysfunctional homes, who witnessed caregivers display co-dependent traits, may carry on these behaviors within their own households. Generations within a family may carry down behaviors. Typically, this can arise related to family members coping with individuals with mental illness or substance abuse who were not in active recovery. As children, people may have had roles to survive in a dysfunctional household, such as hero, scapegoat, mascot, and lost child.

Four Main Dysfunctional Childhood Roles

The Hero

The hero role within the family is typically filled by an individual who is over-responsible, an overachiever, and a perfectionist, and who will do whatever is necessary to attempt to control situations and achieve positive attention. The hero will often take on too much and take care of people, places, or things with or  without permission.

The Scapegoat

The scapegoat is often misunderstood. The scapegoat is the individual that the dysfunctional family directs their problems onto, and in turn, the scapegoat will often be perceived as, or become, rebellious, angry, resentful, and defiant. The scapegoat will often feel that they are a failure or that it is hopeless, so why try at anything? The scapegoat feels rejected by their family.

The Mascot

The mascot will do whatever is needed to keep the mood light within the family. The mascot utilizes humor, manipulation, and charm and seeks attention. The mascot is often dependent on others and insecure.

The Lost Child

The lost child is invisible to the family. The lost child is often quiet, does not express feelings, and will likely keep to themselves. The lost child is often lonely and feels inadequate.

Dysfunctional childhood roles can sometimes be interchangeable and expanded, depending on the circumstances. These four main dysfunctional childhood roles may have been carried forward and adapted within their own families as adults. Individuals who grew up in a dysfunctional household may find themselves unknowingly finding partners with similar traits to their parents, repeating undesired patterns. Partners of individuals with addictions or mental illness may attempt to create some sort of stability within the household, and in doing so, inadvertently utilize behaviors that create co-dependency.  

What can I do if I or a loved one has co-dependency traits?

Mental health professionals can provide assessments and work with individuals to address emotional and behavioral issues. Some people find it  helpful to attend community support groups such as:

• CoDA (Co-Dependents Anonymous)
• ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families)
• AL-ANON (family support group for family or friends of alcoholics) 
• Nar-ANON (family support group for those who have a family or  friends with addiction)
• S-ANON (support for those who have family or friends with  sexual addiction) www.sanon.org
• Gam-Anon (support for those impacted by individuals with gambling  problems) www.Gam-Anon.org
• COSA (Co-Dependents of Sex Addicts)
• Many religious organizations and hospitals host support groups which may offer additional support. 

Books such as The Courage to Be Yourself by Sue Patton Thoele; Codependent No More by Melody  Beattie; Adult Children of Alcoholics by Janet G. Woltitz; Healing The Child Within: Discovery And  Recovery For Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families by Charles L Whitfield, MD; and so many more books are available to learn more about co-dependency, best with the recommended guidance of a mental health professional. For resources for children and teens who are experiencing a dysfunctional family situation, please consult a clinician for professional guidance. 

Co-dependency is more expansive than what a single article can explain. Every family and individual are unique. The ability to change and experience a different life is possible. The decision to change is an  important step. If you or a loved one are ready to start the process of healing and growth, contact a  mental health professional to walk with you or your loved one through the journey.  

Tina Cooper, MSW, LCSW, CADC, CAMS-II sees clients out of Centennial Counseling Center’s Yorkville office.