Relationships are hard. When they do not work out (or we find ourselves struggling in  the midst of them), having some sort of lesson, takeaway or wisdom provides solace to our  soul. Naming a behavior or experience helps deliver some clarity. However, when we mislabel  what something or who someone is, it can cause further damage or potentially stop us from  taking a more healthy route on our journey of healing. 

“Gaslighting” has been a popular word sweeping through the U.S. over the last 5 years.  Despite its recent uptick in use, the word itself was born around 1938! Gaslighting comes from  the play Gaslight (1938) wherein a woman slowly begins to question her sanity as her new  husband begins to manipulate conversations, objects in the home, and her experiences in  order to change her idea of reality. For example, the viewer sees the husband denying past  interactions, isolating his wife from friends and family, and eventually literally turning down the  gas in the lanterns around the home in order to dim the light. Today’s increased use of the term  can be attributed, in part, to a very divisive political climate. For instance, politicians might not  always follow through on promises, denying statements made in order to get elected, and they  often struggle to admit their faults for fear of it impacting the support of their voters.  Additionally, society’s enamored view of television shows and podcasts revolving around True  Crime have brought greater exposure to the ‘gaslighting’ phenomenon. Coming to a head in  2020, the popular country band, The Chicks, released a song titled “Gaslighter” in which the  listener is told the story of one of the band member’s, apparently toxic, past relationships. Now  that we have seen ‘gaslighting’ saturate the world of politics, media and pop culture, the term  is been more frivolously thrown into conversation, and more often than not, it is being misused.  

So, what is ‘gaslighting’? Gaslighting refers to a form of manipulation used in  relationships to make one question their reality and sanity to the point of dependence on the  other. The ‘gaslighter’ is intentional in their manipulation of conversations, previous interactions  and the setting around the relationship. Gaslighting aims at gaining power and control over  someone else. A gaslighter will likely refuse to admit fault, taking no responsibility for conflict  within the relationship, denying past conversations or claims. As a result, control is gained over  the other party. Gaslighting is used to isolate someone from the rest of their community  (friends, family, co-workers) in order to create more of a dependence on the gaslighter  themselves. Someone who gaslights often is not open to talking to a third party regarding the  status, stability, or undeniable toxicity of their relationship. Gaslighting seeks to divide other  people so the reality of the “gaslighter” cannot be challenged. In times of isolation, one tends  to question their own sanity due to the sheer lack of validating experiences. Gaslighting often  takes place in the form of conversation, however can also be executed virtually, through  changing text message conversations, photoshopping, or physically manipulating items in  someone’s life. Someone who uses gaslighting as a tactic often has another mental health  diagnosis, as this can be an unhealthy way to cope with the lack of control and shame that  accompany this.  

While it is obvious and apparent that all relationships harmed by the act of gaslighting  are unhealthy, it cannot be stated that all unhealthy relationships came to be as a result of a  “gaslighter”. For example, stubbornness is common in a lot of relationships. Unhealthy as it  may be, certain individuals may simply close their minds to opposing perspectives when  discussing certain topics due to their own strongly held values. Being dismissive in  conversation may communicate a lack of empathy, however, a lack of empathy does not equal  gaslighting. When one party in a relationship constantly downplays strongly held beliefs of the  other, the resulting feelings are those of frustration and hurt. This simple miscommunication  can have massive implications for the future of the relationship. When the perceived  ‘gaslighter’ shuts down the conversation, it can often be seen as denial in the eyes of the hurt  party. This is unhealthy, however this behavior is often used when feeling stuck or  overwhelmed with a topic. Sometimes we need to stop and come back to a topic when we are more calm in order for it to be productive. Try to be aware of when your partner is shutting  down. If my partner is shutting down because I am calling them names (liar, jerk, GASLIGHTER)  they may feel disrespected and want to stop speaking, which fulfills my belief about them  being in denial. Reality, might be closer to them feeling so hurt they cannot continue on in the  conversation. My partner might say “I don’t remember that” or “that didn’t happen the way you  think” to some of the statements I make. However, it is common in times of emotion to focus  on different words or phrases that we do not remember, or cannot validate, the experience of  others. This behavior is unhealthy, but not necessarily gaslighting. Anytime we repeat a task  over and over again, only to get the result we absolutely disgust, our sanity sometimes finds  itself in jeopardy. It is hard to break the dance of a relationship even with different strategies  going in to battle. This is a reminder that you might be stuck, not going insane.  

Knowing how to monitor the potential for being gaslit can be an important resource if you have experienced this in the past. Here are some questions to reflect on: 

• Are both my partner and I open to discussing some of our issues with a trusted third party or a mental health professional? 

• Is my partner accepting of my healthy relationships and also encouraging these relationships  for my health? Do they spend time with my people when they can? 

• Are they recognizing that problems exist in our relationship, that we are stuck/unhappy, and  willing to admit any responsibility in the current problem? 

• Am I labeling or attaching negative names to my partner? This can continue the toxic cycle of  unhealthy behavior and consistent arguing. 

If you find yourself unsettled in the answers to these questions, it might be appropriate to  consider enrolling in couples therapy with a Marriage and Family Therapist.