It’s 8:00 on Monday morning, and you’re running late! You need to be at work by 8:30, you still haven’t showered, and the bus is coming for your 7-year-old in 5 minutes. She refused to get out of bed, ate her breakfast like a sloth on Saturday, and is now refusing to wear a coat (even though it’s 20 degrees outside). You find yourself yelling at this small being to “put that coat on NOW or I’m never going to buy you any more toys EVER AGAIN!” Instead of being inspired, your obstinate offspring stomps her feet in rhythm to each word: “I! Don’t! Need! A! COOOAAATTTT!” You don’t have time for this: you pick her up and put her, coat-less, in the car and drive her to school. You drop her off as close to the door as possible but still get the “how could you possibly send your child to school without a coat?!” glare from the teacher and head home, angry, defeated, and late for work.
You feel guilty for yelling at your child, apologize to her after school, and remind her that you both need to do better tomorrow.
Sound familiar? While the circumstances may differ, if you’re a parent of a young child, you’ve likely had a similar morning or two. Or 20. But how can you make it different? How can you start avoiding power struggles with your child and parent more peacefully? While there are a variety of factors that can make mornings tense, there are some strategies you can utilize that will make your interactions with your young child yield better results and strengthen your connection in the mornings, at bedtime, or anywhere in between!
Barbara Coloroso, author of Parenting with Wit and Wisdom, says that “our children are counting on us to provide two things: consistency and structure. Children need parents who say what they mean, mean what they say, and do what they say they are going to do.” Makes sense, right? But on busy mornings or when your child throws a tantrum at bedtime, doing what’s best for your child and avoiding power struggles doesn’t seem so simple.
The good news is, it can get better! Here are some strategies that can help you start avoiding power struggles with your child and strengthen your connection. Let’s call them “The 5 Cs.”
The 5 Cs for Avoiding Power Struggles with Your Child
- Calm
- Clear
- Choices
- Consequences
- Consistency
Let’s start with CALM – as in YOU being calm.
That’s right- if you can stay calm when your child is anything but, you can in turn “give” your child your calm. Children respond to adults in a similar manner in which they are spoken to. So, as frustrated as you may be, remember that you’re the adult; your child has only been on earth for a few years and has no perspective of the big picture. Maintaining your composure and speaking to your child in a calm voice will help your child to remain calm as well.
Now on to “C” #2: When asking your child to do something, it’s important that you are CLEAR in your expectations.
Let’s use the coat example above: if your child says they don’t want to wear a coat, CLEARly tell your child exactly what you expect from them and why: “It’s my job to keep you safe: it’s cold outside so you need to wear coat.” No begging, no bribing, just clearly stating your expectation.
If you’re still met with resistance, it’s time to pull out “C” #3 – give CHOICES.
“Do you want to wear your blue coat or your red coat?”; “Do you want to put your coat on by yourself or would you like some help?”. Providing choices is a win-win: it gives your child a sense of control and gives you the outcome you desire, regardless of what they choose.
If you’re in the beginning stages of managing these types of struggles, you may make it all the way to the next “C”: CONSEQUENCES.
Yes – consequences! Children need to learn that the choices they make lead to different outcomes. “Consequences” often get confused with “punishments”, but they’re actually quite different. As W.R. Cummings put it, “A consequence is meant to teach, maintain accountability, and maintain safety…the goal of a punishment is to shame, guilt, impose authority or harm.” (“The Difference between a Consequence and a Punishment”, 9/27/18, psychcentral.com).
Here’s an example of what using consequences could look like, again using the coat situation: “You are going to school today, and you need to wear a coat. The bus is coming in 5 minutes. If you miss the bus and I have to drive you to school, I will not be available to drive you to Sammie’s house after school like we planned.”
Don’t forget the previous “C”s to use a statement like this most effectively: State it calmly and clearly, and give choices (put your coat on now and take the bus; wait to put your coat on and miss the bus) while making your child aware of the consequences of those choices.
Finally, there’s CONSISTENCY.
Let’s say your child holds out for 20 more minutes before finally donning her jacket, and you have to drive her to school. When she arrives home that afternoon, excited to go to Sammie’s house, you remind her that, because she chose to wait to put on her coat, she missed the bus, and you had to drive her to school; you will not be driving her to Sammie’s house. And now come the tears! And for you, the guilt – you hate to see her cry! You begin to make excuses for her in your mind (she was really tired this morning; maybe she didn’t want to go to school for some reason and I didn’t even ask her about that; I was way too hard on her this morning!). If you give in and take her to her friend’s house, you’ve reinforced that you don’t really mean what you say and you’ve set yourself up for future struggles. However, if you calmly endure her tears and a few “You’re the meanest mom ever!”s, your child begins to learn that you DO mean what you say and you are going to do what you say you’re going to do.
he more experience your child has with you following through, the more avoiding power struggles with your child becomes second nature—and the more infrequent those difficult mornings, bedtimes, etc. will be.
No one is a perfect parent, and no one is consistent 100% of the time. But the more you can give your child your calm, clearly state your expectations, provide choices, and give consequences with consistency, the safer your child will feel and the stronger the connection between you and your child will become. And, mornings might go a little more smoothly.
Kathy Buhrt, MA, LCPC, has been working with children and families for over 30 years. Kathy sees clients out of Centennial Counseling Center’s Yorkville office.
